We have ONE rule. And I broke it.
One of the basic rules in my relationship is that I am not allowed to cum or touch myself without permission. It is what makes my Master own my sex life.
Not a complicated rule, is it?
But I broke it, last week.
It was Friday. My kids were with me. The neighbours had a party and my kids couldn't sleep. The oldest was crying in his bed at 11PM begging me to make the noise stop.
My relationship with the neighbours is not so good. We're actually both surviving until I can move. They think I make noise on purpose to make their lives miserable- and apparently, it was payback time. They used to tell me when they were giving a party- so I could sleep somewhere else, especially with the kids.
I tried to ask them to be quiet but they only laughed and said that they also would like to sleep in.
11.30 both of my kids finally slept. It would mean that tomorrow would be a tough day- with them being grumpy, sleepy and not being able to take much.
I was still awake at 3.30 AM. Because of the neighbours, and because of my hay fever.
I tried to take vitamins. Medicines. Drank another cup of tea. Journaling. Meditate. A soft music. Earplugs. Nothing worked.
I know that there is one remedy that always works- an orgasm.
But it was 3.30 in the night, and my Master would be asleep with his phone off. No way to reach him.
After long deliberation and waiting another hour trying all these other options, I took my wand and gave myself an orgasm. I knew that I was breaking an important rule, for both of us. I willingly chose to break it. I valued my children over my relationship.
was this the right thing to do? What is wise? Valuing my relationship over my kids, or the other way around? How much was my commitment meaning when I made this decision?
What does it say about my submission?
I know that in the beginning of our relationship, I chose for my relationship over my kids. And I would have done it differently, if I could do it over again. I would be more clear about my boundaries. I had to learn- and I was new, and I was suffering from "sub frenzy" - looking for all those exciting things without taking into account who I was and what I needed, and my responsibilities as a parent.
I needed to become more confident. In myself, but also in our relationship. Needed to dare to say "RED".... giving my limits. It's so important especially in this kind of relationship.
So much to grow in, and so much to learn. So much to mess up, also. Not fun, but useful and part of my learning cycle.
My decision was the culmination of many things. Being blessed with a "bad mom" complex. My search for where my boundaries are. Also the consequence of my Master and me having too little communication for a while.
My Master was not amused, to say it mildly. We had a hard time, for two weeks, even deciding to stop our Dominant and submissive relationship. Not our relationship- but not in a D/s dynamic. It was very tough. For me, it was super valuable because I proved myself that I was willing to choose for my kids, over my relationship. It wasn't even that important if I did it for the right reasons or not, but fact is that I now know that I can do it.
My Master learned something too. Very valuable. He always said: I am only playing a role. It's not who I am. No, of course- it's also not who I am. But it is what is shaping our relationship! I am a runner. But if I stop running, I don't cease to exist. And neither will I stop being who I am when I stop my submission. But what he found out, is that, like me! He wants us in a Dominant and submissive position. Because this is what makes us thrive, makes our relationship thrive. The last word has not been said about it yet.
But it proves again to me how important it is to be in this together, how to keep on communicating, and more than that: renegotiate all the time. What counts yesterday, may not count today anymore.
The whole thing inspired me to create another workshop. One for those who are not in a power exchange relationship. But for you, if you are in a relationship and you would like to spice things up a bit, but you are not sure where to start, and if kink is for you. Join me Sunday if this is you! And feel free to send it to your friends if you know someone who sighs every now and then, longing for more passion in the bedroom.
Have fun- and play with passion.
PS.. Would love to see you coming Sunday!
What would be one thing that you would love to change in your relationship?
Let me know in the comments box below- not just for you, as a first step in acknowledging it, but also in showing the other readers that they are not alone... Thanks a million! You are brave and courageous.
You touched points that should be interstood in life
“You touched on a number of points that should be understood life, inside and outside BDSM.”